Diary of a Really Crap Ice Skater, Part 1

Saturday.
Hours spent on ice: about 2.5 in 2 separate sessions.
Number of falls: 1
Time spent crossing the 10m of treacherous trampled lumpy icy snow from locker room door to ice: 10 minutes (not kidding - I had a 10min podcast on that finished before I got there - my knees wouldn't stop shaking, so I had to keep stopping for them!)
Progress Made: questionable.
Phrase of the day: You see, it's all about muscles and balance, and I have neither.
New Jargon Learnt: Patinoire Decoratif' = the pond/puddle/fountain froze, so you can skate on it. Don't mind the holes, lumps, trees etc in it... Patinoire Sportif = we put a wall up around our other pond so children of all sizes can attempt to kill beginner skaters who venture onto the slightly better ice with their pucks and hockey sticks.

Took my new skates out for a spin today. Or rather, for a shuffle. I went to the park just one block from here first, and discovered the 'decorative' skate rink there should remain just that. I wasn't the only one complaining about the quality of the ice. And it really did appear to just be a largish frozen puddle, with several trees in the middle. Which at least are something to hold on to occasionally. A kind lady took pity on me and held my hand to get to the 'sportif' rink, which was at that moment only half-full of children brandishing lethal weapons. I shuffled up and down one end of the rink, soon learning to stop or turn when a puck crossed my path, as it would be very quickly followed by a child who, despite being able to literally skate rings around me, always seemed to want instead to skate through me.
Once I got a little more used to the ice, I was able to upgrade my shuffle to the next level - a technique that seems uniquely my own, and which I am calling 'skateboarding'. You see, my right leg seems to have a really difficult time believing my left leg is capable of anything beyond a support role - or rather, a non-supporting role. I think there are trust issues between them. Right leg is extremely reluctant to leave the ice, and prefers instead to stay firmly planted while Lefty pushes me along. After a while like this, the next half-step is to actually transfer at least my weight to my left leg on each 'step', even though Righty still refuses to leave the ice. I'm sure I look like I'm limping or something.
I only fell once - and was picked up by the nice lady, who also pointed out that I needed to have a tooth removed from the toe of my skate, which is what caught on the ice and caused me to fall. She was surprised to see I had 6 teeth there, where there should only be 4 or 5. I promised to get the de-burred and sharpened at the earliest opportunity.
Now, having recognised the same progression of techniques occurring as the last time I skated - on Christmas Day, I was hoping to get up to the same level I did then, which was Right leg actually able to leave the ice at least half the time, as well as beginning to get over the constant feeling that I'm .02 of a second away from having my tail bone hit the ice with extreme prejudice. Unfortunately, today my toes began to freeze before I got to this point. You see, my feet get very very tense when I skate, and break into a cold sweat. Possibly at the thought of what Right leg would actually do to Left leg if Lefty was ever given the chance to lead and failed...
So I inched back over the horrible patch of ice to the locker room (I think it only took me about 5 minutes to cross the 10m this time) and put my boots back on to come home and thaw my feet. I was so incredibly tense that I decided to go to the pool for a relaxing swim. Before I left the house again, I called my friends Romain, Leyla and Rosie who live just near the pool, and got invited to... guess what... go skating. With Romain. So I went for a half hour swim, then walked the one block from the pool to Parc La Fontaine - where we had gone at Christmas. They've opened up the rest of a lake since then, so there is a huge area for skating - a long narrow squiggle of ice that currently has small pine trees (Christmas leftovers, I think) and park benches arranged in little islands periodically down the middle. I got my skates sharpened and 'de-burred', as I was told I needed, and which did seem to help, as did the slightly better ice and the lower density of hockey sticks. It only took a few minutes to get from locker room to ice, thanks to a very helpful passer-by who offered a hand, and then I was on the ice again, and apparently back to square one. I shuffled. I wobbled. I was half way around the lake before I got up to skateboarding. And I didn't really manage to get to the next step before I got back to the stairs, and, as I hadn't found Romain ( it was really crowded, and everyone looks the same in their dark coats and winter hats) I decided I had done enough for one day, and clawed my way back to the locker room. Once inside, the first person I saw was, of course, Romain, now quite recognisable without his hat on, who had also just come off the ice. He introduced me to his friends (more comprehensible people from France!) and we all walked back to his place for hot chocolate and toast, which is a fantastic thing to do after skating.

I will continue this diary of my skating progress - and I do hope to make progress, really I do. Now that I have sharp, de-burred skates that are beginning to realise my feet aren't as narrow and pointy as they want them to be, I plan to get out on the ice whenever I work up the courage. You see, skating utterly terrifies me. It's something to do with my deep-seated fear of slipping on ice, I think, which, given my lack of balance, is not entirely unfounded. And of course, at 6 feet tall, I have a long way to fall. While I rarely do fall over, that probably has more to do with the extreme care I take (and my slowing to a snail's pace) on any slippery surface than with my balance skills. But I have all winter here to get over this, and learn to skate as well as those irritating kids with their hockey sticks. Or at least, to get from the locker room to the ice unassisted in under half an hour...